What to do when the ‘can I have a phone?’ conversations start
If your child doesn’t have a phone yet, chances are they’ve either asked about it, or the conversation is on the way. It’s a major milestone that needs thought, preparation and some careful parenting. Here’s a few steps to help to navigate it.
When are they ready?
Before saying yes, consider your child’s maturity and the wider context. This isn’t just about age, it’s about readiness for independence and handling a device responsibly.
Peer pressure
It’s quite possible your child’s friends are already using smartphones. If so, yours may feel left out (and will probably let you know about it). But the decision should be based on your child’s readiness, not what another family decides. Be confident in your reasons and timeline.
Independence milestones
Many parents introduce devices when children start traveling alone to school from age 11. A smartphone can help them stay in contact and also let you check they’re got to school, but it comes with all the other factors too. So make sure you feel your child is ready to use it responsibly.
Siblings
If an older sibling got a phone at a certain age, your younger child’s expectations may be to have the same. What you did before doesn't have to be your decision second or third time around – no matter how unfair it seems. Stick to your plan and explain your reasoning.
Getting them started
Once you’ve decided your child is smartphone-ready, there are a few important conversations to be had before they’re off and running. Try to make these collaborative rather than top-down. Ask for their input and explain why the rules exist. It builds responsibility and trust.
Setting rules and expectations
Discuss when and where the phone can be used, which apps are allowed, and screen time limits. Make expectations realistic and age-appropriate. No doubt their school will have rules too.
Agree on consequences
Be clear about what happens if rules are broken. Having agreed-upon consequences reduces conflicts later.
Talk about safety and responsibility
It’s a big step-up to having a device. There’s safety behaviour, from how they look after and protect an expensive device out and about, to the ways they behave with it. Some basic online safety conversations, such as treating people online as you would in person, are age-old, but still ring true.
Be approachable
Most of all, make your child feel comfortable that they can come to you if they have a problem – no matter if they’ve done something they shouldn’t or something has worried them. Part of this will be how you respond when things go wrong (and they will). Try to stay calm.
As they get used to their device
Once the phone is in their hands, your role is to guide, monitor, and model responsible use.
Adjust rules as needed
Needs change as children grow. They’ll spend longer online for their schoolwork, social activities, and hobbies may require more flexibility. Check in occasionally to review boundaries and screen time.
Lead by example
Show balance with the screens you use yourself. If they’re not allowed a phone at the dinner table, why should you be? Make space for family time and demonstrate mindful online behaviour.
Watch for warning signs
Irritability, withdrawal, fatigue, defensiveness… There are many tell-tale signs that can indicate that phone use is affecting your child negatively. Use these as prompts for calm, supportive conversations.