Technology Has Broken Authoritative Parenting. Here's How We Fix It.
Technology Has Eroded Authoritative Parenting
With Instagram's recently revamped teen accounts and Australia moving towards their blanket ban on social media for under 16s, the global tide of one size fix all solutions continues to wash over families. On the surface it appears like progress, another tool to help worried parents, another work around to the problems of digital childhood. Technology has irrevocably changed family life and with it parenting. These solutions promise to help parents, but are they actually making the most effective parenting style impossible?
We know that the most effective parenting approach is authoritative parenting. (The power of authoritative parenting) Of the four parenting styles - authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved - authoritative parenting aims to nurture and engage whilst setting well explained boundaries and expectations. But it is the ability for parents to deliver these qualities that technology has repeatedly eroded. Significantly: the breakdown of parental confidence in their own judgement, the inability to answer their children's questions and an ongoing struggle to set effective boundaries with devices.
Technology has eroded parental confidence in their own judgement. Children are facing problems parents have not faced themselves and so have no experience dealing with. Even parents who are digital natives did not interact with technology in the same way as their children. Without the ability to trust your own instincts it is incredibly hard to deliver consistently firm but nurturing parenting.
Technology has also decreased parents' ability to answer their children's questions. Parents aren't aware of everything that goes on online and so cannot prepare for the situations they are expected to solve. They can't offer assertive advice, they can't be sure what's going on. Technology is not a neutral force and is pushing them away from solving this issue through having open, honest conversations.
Ultimately, the development of technology has made setting effective boundaries incredibly difficult. Parents are fighting machines that are designed to be sticky and encourage continual use. We previously recognised the act of 'logging on' to technology. We're now always on and struggling to ensure some time off. Setting clear expectations and guidelines is fundamental to authoritative parenting. The inability to effectively set those boundaries is what causes so many of the problems we see today.
Early regulation pulled the rug from under authoritative parenting whilst encouraging the other, less effective styles. In 2000, COPPA treated children over 13 as adults online, opening them up to problems parents had never faced before. Problems exacerbated by the meteoric growth of surveillance capitalism that followed. This single decision systematically undermined authoritative parenting while supporting the three alternatives. Permissive parenting was driven by COPPA's recognition of 13 year olds as adults - signaling to parents they should step back. Uninvolved parenting was fostered by the digital native myth - the idea that children knew better than their parents online. When platforms inevitably failed to self-regulate, they attracted blunt-force regulation with age verification and age-gating, pushing parents toward authoritarian control and command. The most effective parenting style was left unsupported. Meanwhile, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritarian approaches were all, in different ways, encouraged by policy.
Technology Is Not Neutral In Parenting
The complexity keeps growing. Victoria Nash calls this the 'algorithmic child' - children now interact with technology constantly and variably: apps, smart watches, baby tech, smart home assistants, educational tools. Parents can't possibly monitor or understand it all. Smart glasses powered by AI loom on the horizon. This makes authoritative parenting even harder as parents can't have confidence, can't answer questions, can't set boundaries when they can't even keep up. This isn't just about flawed tools from individual platforms. It's a systematic failure, and policy is doubling down on it.
Technology Won't Fix What It Has Broken
The response from tech companies has been to create a maze of tools that sets families up to fail. Parents now struggle to keep up with the complex tools. We found that across 8 of the largest platforms there were 121 tools for parents to use, which took over 7 hours to set up. (Online safety tools - a false hope p.4) Moreover, varying terminology created inconsistencies that only further complicated the process. Parents are overwhelmed, children find workarounds and families are frustrated.
The Online Safety Act is further pushing parenting down the control and command track. Rather than fix the underlying problem of the displacement of authoritative parenting, it has reinforced authoritarian practices. It pushes platforms to control and exclude, with age verification exemplifying the blanket approach. The one size fits all solution ignores children's evolving capacity and family circumstances, creating a cliff edge at 18. The cost of this approach extends far beyond confusion and complexity.
The tools don't just fail technically, they fail families. In one of our Tech Shock podcast episodes, we were told by academics from the University of Oxford and Reading University about the negative effects digital parenting can have on family dynamics. Understandably parents want to know their children are safe and there is always a tension between keeping kids safe and letting them make mistakes. However, now armed with tech tools that imply they can gather information previously garnered through conversations, parents are going into those chats armed with stats and numbers. Young people feel interrogated, not trusted. There are even instances of young people not knowing these technologies are present which lead to natural feelings of distrust, insecurity and the feeling of being watched. This will erode the strongest family relationships and is a clear representation of digital tools changing parenting.
Paradoxically, giving parents more surveillance tools has undermined their authority. Children become more secretive, concealing their online behaviour due to this breakdown in trust. Authority and autonomy as a parent has been undercut. Parents, armed with so many tools, feel like they should know what their children are doing online, increasing the burden. We found, however, that higher monitoring paradoxically led to more risk-taking behaviour by children.
As Sonia Livingstone explains, these blanket approaches result from years of "not really asking the fundamental questions about how we thought tech should reshape children's education, home life and relationships." We still don't have answers. So instead of thoughtful, nuanced approaches, we reach for blunt instruments that appear to offer control.
How Do We Restore Authoritative Parenting?
Not with more blocks and bans. Not with more surveillance dressed up as safety, but with three principles that put families at the centre.
The solution isn't choosing between parental control or platform responsibility. The balance for parents is giving them autonomy to make decisions about their child's use, but also giving them tools so they don't have to know so much about the platforms.
Parents want to parent, they don't want to become platform experts and they don't want to be forced into surveillance. They need three things that restore what technology eroded: support to rebuild confidence, recognition of their child's agency to enable preparation, and family-friendly design to make boundaries possible.
Support for Parents Rebuilds Parental Confidence
Before tools, before training, we need a fundamental change in our vocal and actual support for parents, both online and offline. We need to build a cultural environment of support that values "good enough at home parenting" rather than expecting perfection or platform expertise.
As Janet Goodall explained,, we are "incredibly judgemental about parents and traditions of families." Parents don't get told they're doing a good job very often, especially around technology. Yet they've adapted very quickly to a new technological world, and they have done well. This isn't soft sympathy, it's the foundation for everything else that works.
Support means meeting parents where they are, not where we think they should be. That means reaching parents through the people they already go to for trusted information: teachers, librarians, youth workers. But we shouldn’t expect these professionals to become parenting experts. They need support too, equipped with resources and training to deliver information that sits outside their professional scope.Providing what parents actually ask for at moments of need, not what institutions think they should know. Getting face-to-face time with parents on their terms, not when it's convenient for schools or community centers. Providing this information at the right time, in the right setting with vocal support will help restore their confidence in their judgement.
Recognising Children's Agency Enables Parents to Prepare
Support alone isn't enough if we're working against children's development. Children develop at different rates and require different levels of support. A system that recognises each child's own agency allows us to tailor their digital experience to them, not impose blanket age restrictions that treat all 14-year-olds identically.
The best people to make these judgments? Parents. They know their child best. They have parental instincts. They already do this in the offline world when deciding when their child is ready to walk to school alone, stay home without supervision, or handle pocket money. Digital decisions should work the same way. By recognising children's agency and ensuring parents have information to guide their children, parents can prepare their children and not just answer questions.
Children need graduated independence, not blanket restriction. Research shows they naturally seek greater privacy and independence as they develop. This is healthy, not a threat. By 16, parents naturally remove router restrictions because children can be trusted to stay safe. They're competent, not devious. (DSIT, The right moment for digital safety)
The alternative to restriction is preparation. That means developing media literacy through encouraging critical thinking and independent decision-making. It means parents helping their child understand that what they see online isn't always real, especially when it comes to influencers and edited images.
Consider this contradiction: young people will vote at 16, but we won't let them participate online without parental supervision. Let's recognise child agency and enable parents to guide their children through a digital childhood.
Family-Friendly Design Makes Boundaries Possible
The technology that families use should serve them. Tools should be designed to help families make the most of the incredible opportunities the online world brings. The best route forward is giving parents autonomy to decide how their children will interact with the online world with tools that are designed to foster agency and flexibility. Not 121 tools with differing terminology but simple, consistent, respectful of the needs of both parent and child.
The ICO's Age Appropriate Design Code shows regulation can drive good design. It creates separate spaces for parents and children without surveillance or nudge techniques. Platforms can build family-friendly design that makes boundary setting achievable again if it is required to. The question is: will policymakers require it?
These three pillars aren't radical innovations. They're a return to a fundamental truth.
Everything Changes, Nothing Changes
Parent Zone has supported families since 2002. Technology has changed dramatically since then. But parents are still parents, they have instincts, they know their child best. Our evidence shows 70% of parents say they should decide what's appropriate for their child, not the government (24%) or tech companies (3%).
Parents are already trying. The problem isn't that they don't care, it's that support isn't accessible. They're device rich, time poor. They need support that fits their lives, not another obligation.
Authoritative parenting matters more than technical knowledge. We don't need to make parents tech experts, we need to support them to be parents.
Better, Thoughtful Support
We need to provide better, thoughtful support for parents and restore authoritative parenting. That responsibility falls on us all. Those who build technology, those who regulate and who provide support. How we act nudges parents towards or away from authoritative parenting. Be mindful of what you’re pushing parents to do.
If we've changed parenting so considerably through technology, we have a responsibility to help parents navigate back to a more constructive place. That means trusting parents to know their children, supporting their instincts rather than undermining them, and designing technology that serves them.
Everything changes, and nothing changes. Parents are still parents. Let's help them do their best.